Dharma for one

 I don't know if anyone looks in here anymore.  I had planned to return a long time ago but it has been incredibly difficult to express how I have felt since James died and since the amazing memorial celebration.  I have not been able to part with much of his stuff, it gathers dust in his room, but I will later in the month.  I will, at least I think I will, be able to finally allow his friends to come and sort it with me. 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I received lovely tulips from Matthew and a phone call on Friday because I will work, as always, through the day.  I returned to work late in april for one weekend and it was so odd,  we had very little work to do as admission nurses.  Two days later I developed a kidney stone and actually had to call 911 because I was in too much pain to drive.  It has persisted and I missed the next two weekends of work, am emotional and financial disaster right at this time.  Apparently it is still there but the pain finally resolved and I went back today to do my usual 3 visits.  And felt at home. I was very nervous about trying to do hospice work so soon after being a hospice "patient", but what i learned is that I am extremely proud of how James and I handled his illness, of how we approached working on that together and of the bond we had between us that made it possible.  I am also so proud of James' brother Matthew who has been deeply supportive and loving since going home; he lives in Taos, NM and we had not seen much of him but the love he showed James and me and the connection that just naturally emerged from his presence will always be one of my favorite memories of this time.  And there are  many, in spite of the vomiting and the drugs and the impossible conversations, there are many, many moments I would not trade for anything.  Mostly just the reaffirmation of James' incredible charisma and the strength he had that even 5 years earlier he would not have believed he could ever have.  He was my rock and I know I was his and I am deeply proud of that.

So he will be here in my heart all day, I know, and I will miss him all day, as I do every day.  I talk to the Darth Vader Cookie Jar which sits on a shelf in the Kitchen here.  I'm thinking of getting a Betta and fishbowl to keep him company.  Daft.  Whatever. 

I thought it would be very hard to wish people Mother's Day but it is not, it is an affirmation of my having been James' mother, his best mother as he said.  And it is an affirmation that my son Matt understood all that and can easily locate and nestle in his own place in my heart which he knows is always there and will always be.  If I ever have to do this again, for him, it will come from the same place with the same power but a different conversation because Matt is not James and we do those things in a different way. 

Matt will be here in May for a Radiohead concert we got tickets to when James was still alive.  We didn't tell him about it but will do it for him, he always said he would go to Radiohead with me and not be embarrassed about going with an old lady rather than his cool friends because it was something we should do together.  But Matthew turned us both on to Radiohead and I actually loved them more so this will be a very special thing to do with Matthew and I am thrilled about it.  We will finally celebrate his birthday which was three days before James died.

For those who find this here, know that life is not pretty now but it is almost Summer here in Rockport and we are hoping for the best.  I am grateful every day for the cards and notes that are still taped to windows and doors, I see them daily and say "Thank you" out loud.  They are my dharma.

Blessings
Tanny

It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time. Kingsolver

 This post began on the morning of March 30, hours before the beginning of James' memorial.  Needless to say I have had a few interruptions, I hope it makes sense.  Also, for some unknown reason, I cannot insert a page break so this will appear all on one page.  If Matt gets to it, I know he will edit it correctly.

Friday March 30
The day has dawned crisp and clear, the ocean is a living thing outside my window with seagulls floating along and we have found ducks which are a sure sign of spring.  Since we are right on the ocean we don't have spring birds much, like robins and cardinals, but when it's warmer we will have a little flock of finches that nest in our grapevine.   I woke to hear the sound of internet voices from the front room and it flooded me with the memories of James in January when sleep evaded him and he would leave his computer on with documentaries from the History Channel or Top Gear reruns or, of all things, Anthony Bourdain.  He would often be asleep but sometimes would peek out from
under his hoodie and accept a cup of tea and a short visit to check in.  This morning, Matt was watching a movie and says he has only been up for a little while.  I hope so, it will be a long day.

I guess I have finally reached the edge of how far my anxiety can take me.  So many people have written about how strong and capable I seem and how they don't know how I  have done this.  I am happy to report that I think I hit a wall today, not dissolving in tears or screaming at the sky but today in my hot tub ritual for Wednesday when I usually receive and read my New Yorker, I could not understand a single one of the cartoons.  Not one made a bit of sense to me.  I will revisit it next week to check on my recovery but it told me it was probably time to accept that I may have pushed myself as far as I can for the moment.  I really want to answer every email and read every facebook post, I have about a thousand thank you notes to write and I can't even describe what the apartment looks like.  I did approach James' room today, just pushed things around to sweep the floor and

Bo fo sho

I post here and often don't peek at the actual blog.  I have just done that and discovered that Matt has been busy adding links and photos which will be very helpful to everyone.  I'm adding a little teaser link which will refer to a future post; maybe it will lighten your load as well.

The Key to the Highway

If you have not, you should take a visit to James' facebook page and the page created by his friend Laura Rose for an ongoing candlelight vigil for him.  There are all kinds of interesting comments and memories there, it is all such a comfort.  There are people coming out of the woodwork which is, I guess, the point of social media but it is a little jarring sometimes.  Matt and I have had a fairly busy weekend with Memorial Service activities and just kind of trying to get reoriented.  We have family expected later in the week as well so there are lots of little things to do.  I don't know how to tell you how we are, I don't know if we know ourselves.  Every day seems different so far, partly due to crazy sleep but we will get it together.  We have plans and goals and that helps a lot.  Matt is doing some work and I am (thinking about) wading through almost 3 months of a home that didn't get much attention.  I am going to continue to share thoughts here but I expect for a little while it  may be through other people's words.

"If you want my opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell: the universe is like a safe to which there is a key.  But the key is locked up in the safe."
Peter de Vries

Memorial Service

Hi all, I wanted to let you know that James' memorial service will be held at Greely Funeral Home in Gloucester this Friday the 30th from 3 to 6 PM.

See you on the Dark Side of the Moon

James' journey has ended, he has moved on to his next adventure.  His death was profoundly peaceful.

I will share more with you when we have resettled at home.  For now, please know we are doing pretty well and I am deeply grateful for every thought and prayer.  It brought us great peace.

Blessings to you all.